Here is what changed me forever and how I realized it!

Once Upon a Time was one of my favorite shows. Towards the end when the ‘Author’ came on the scene (if you haven’t seen the series its okay) I actually stopped watching it. It was just something I didn’t really have time for anymore. That should’ve been my first clue…

I know why now. I wasn’t ready to hear and or accept the truth of my own author hood. Is that even a word yet? I write my story after I tell it over and over and over. It becomes who I am instead of just a story I tell. Its really a blow to realize you have actually heard this and been on the edge of getting it for years. In fact the first time this idea rocked my world was at a MMI in Phoenix AZ. The trainer on the stage gave us an exercise about our worst financial memory or experience. My recollection of the exact instructions is pretty fuzzy because the exercise wrecked my life lol. 

What Happened?

I had started a tack shop and along the way lost a partner blah blah blah but I got it open. I was paranoid I would fail. I needed to make $1000 a month in sales to be okay. I made that in the first 3 days! My plan was rock solid and I was  doing the greatest thing in my life. I was feeding my family and the sky was the limit! Already planning expansions and new products.

What happened? Want to know? Okay here is my worst financial situation from that exercise.

So my experience had been one of my at the time husband stealing money from my business (store) deposit that I had brought home to deposit on the way to the store in the morning. I didn’t know it and after I deposited it I started having checks bounce etc. I was a razor sharp financial administrator of my business so of course I knew the bank had made a huge mistake. I went to see them and was not a nice person about their level of incompetence. Then they told me my deposit had been wrong there was no cash ( almost $1000 missing) in the bag. I was mortified. In fact I was so embarrassed I never went back into that bank and ended up closing my store and selling it off. My excuse was that I was divorcing the man and the lawyers told me he would get half of it no matter what because we were married when I started it. The awful part is that reason still makes sense to me. Except it never made sense. I stopped myself from owning a business and doing well after that for decades. 

Then in  a little exercise at a seminar it all came back up like it happened the day before. I was told to rewrite that story and justify the behavior and actions of my now ex-husband. WTF? Are you insane? Thats not possible there is no way I could ever justify that blah blah blah. 

Doug Nelson was the trainer and I basically had a tantrum and went to the stage to tell him I had to be exempt from this because there was no way. I give him so much credit, he just shut me down and told me to do it. WOW. Fast forward to the realization after doing it that I had the ‘power’ to filter anything in my life by the meaning I gave it. I did ‘rewrite’ that story that day and I resisted every single word of the way. I had an inner dialogue happening that said this was just like homework, it didn’t really matter just get through it and go back to the reality of what actually happened. Fast forward another couple of decades and what do you know. Doug Nelson and the experience I had there finally makes sense. I finally ‘GET IT’. I am finally free. 

I also am finally able to bring my strengths and abilities to run a profitable business back out of the closet. The interesting thing is the identification of my pattern in all of this. See there were things I loved and a small one off experience was all it took to turn me away from it. Over and over. Live music, LOVED it until I dated a lead singer in a band. The breakup was so painful I have avoided at all costs going to a live music event since. I had all kinds of stories about why but now I have awakened to the pattern of my painful experiences being the walls I built a cage out of. I am the author…